Some Days are Hard Days

Today.... a hard day.

Why?

Time makes things better.... sometimes.

Perfect. Remarkable. Beautiful.

My Jaydee Baby

She was mine.

Eleven years ago today marks the day of Jayden's death. Some anniversary's have been easier for me, but this year.... not so much.

I feel a great sadness today. A great loss.... empty.

I read the autopsy report and a few words suck out to me.

Normal. Remarkable.

She was healthy. She did not have any signs of any sickness. Several times in the report her various body parts were listed as remarkable.

So why? Why did she have to die?

I know a lot of people have days like I did eleven years ago. Lots of people can pin point the worst day of their life. I wish I didn't have that day.

I play that day over and over in my mind.

Had I only checked on her before I laid down with Conner to take a nap.
Why didn't I comfort her instead of letting her cry herself to sleep?

I wish.... I wish.... I wish so many things happened different that day.

I see little girls who are about 11 years old. The ones that really stick out are the ones with red hair. Sometimes I see a little girl with a stubby nose and wonder if Jayden would have looked like her.

I look at my own boys and wonder if she would be like them. Would she be smart? Maybe she would be stubborn. Maybe she would be talented with the piano or play basketball with her brothers. What would her voice sound like? Even her smell.... yes, I wonder what she would have smelled like. Would she keep her room clean or would I get after her because she liked things messy? Would she be responsible or carefree? What would her laugh sound like?

I wish I knew.

And today I am sad because I didn't get to know her now.

I look forward to the day when I get to be with her again.

Someday seems so far away!

I miss you! I love you!!