Monday, May 17, 2010

Some Days are Hard Days

Today.... a hard day.


Time makes things better.... sometimes.

Perfect. Remarkable. Beautiful.

My Jaydee Baby

She was mine.

Eleven years ago today marks the day of Jayden's death. Some anniversary's have been easier for me, but this year.... not so much.

I feel a great sadness today. A great loss.... empty.

I read the autopsy report and a few words suck out to me.

Normal. Remarkable.

She was healthy. She did not have any signs of any sickness. Several times in the report her various body parts were listed as remarkable.

So why? Why did she have to die?

I know a lot of people have days like I did eleven years ago. Lots of people can pin point the worst day of their life. I wish I didn't have that day.

I play that day over and over in my mind.

Had I only checked on her before I laid down with Conner to take a nap.
Why didn't I comfort her instead of letting her cry herself to sleep?

I wish.... I wish.... I wish so many things happened different that day.

I see little girls who are about 11 years old. The ones that really stick out are the ones with red hair. Sometimes I see a little girl with a stubby nose and wonder if Jayden would have looked like her.

I look at my own boys and wonder if she would be like them. Would she be smart? Maybe she would be stubborn. Maybe she would be talented with the piano or play basketball with her brothers. What would her voice sound like? Even her smell.... yes, I wonder what she would have smelled like. Would she keep her room clean or would I get after her because she liked things messy? Would she be responsible or carefree? What would her laugh sound like?

I wish I knew.

And today I am sad because I didn't get to know her now.

I look forward to the day when I get to be with her again.

Someday seems so far away!

I miss you! I love you!!


Grams said...

So sorry you have to bear that emptiness and sadness today and every day. Love you, Amy.

SJ said...

I'm so sorry. thinking of you.

melanie said...

I just love you so much. I'm sorry Amy..

Silver Back said...

I have been thinking about you all day. I miss you and I love you. I have no doubt that Jayden feels your love. I'm sorry I am not there, i wish I could give you a big hug tonight. Just know how much you are loved.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. I'm sure the pain never goes away. What a beautiful little girl. You're a wonderful mother and you'll be in my prayers.

StamKeve said...

She sure is beautiful. I stopped by the cemetary last week and thought of her and what an angel she is. My mom mentioned her yesterday too. I know she will never be forgotten by so many who love her. We love you too!

Angela said...

Oh the trials in life. I wish this trial never had to happen to you. I miss Jayden. I miss you! I wish I could have visited her grave's been a long time since I have been there.
Thinking of you and love you.

Carmen said...

Amy, I am so so sorry that yesterday was so hard. I wish that it only got easier, but it seems that is not the case. Just know you are so loved and someday....even though it feels like so far will get to see her and know her and love her.

Nic & Trudi said...

Amy I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I'm keeping you in my prayers and hopefully we can catch up when I get back!

Unknown said...

Amy, I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I am so grateful for our friendship and want you to know I am always here for you.

I know you are missing her now, but when you do get to raise her, you will get to focus 100% on raising her (okay and the other stuff we'll have to do post resurrection), but you will get to raise her and watch her love her brothers and become the beautiful little red headed beauty she is bound to be. When you reunite with her, she'll be the beautiful baby that had to leave you for a season. I know she is watching over you and loving you.

Love you and thinking of you.

mrs.JamaL said...

nice blog..i like it...

Steve and Megan said...

Amy, I am so sorry. I am thinking of you. Love you!

Rick...the meek and mild said...

Well, like I said that day I was with you in the hospital. During her life she knew so much love, from you, from me, from your Mom, your great sisters and aunts....and again I say, we'll get through all of this together...Dad

Amanda said...

I am SO sorry! I had no idea that you had lost a baby girl!! I've lost both my parents and a baby mid-pregnancy, but nothing like losing a child like you have. And, I know after all this time, your heart still aches for her.

Praying that He comforts and strengthens you like only He can!